she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
