I CAN MOONWALK!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
