he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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