White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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