WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
