In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
