I was born with a shot glass in my hand
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
