I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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