i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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