Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
