Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
