I will die if light touches me.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
