somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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