No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
