I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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