Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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