Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
