I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
