I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
