I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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