Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
