"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
