I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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