They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
