I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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