My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
