Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
