areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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