please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
