Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
