is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
