and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
