But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
