Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
