Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
