i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
