I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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