How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
