I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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