did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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