She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
