Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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