I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
