you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so let's talk penis.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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