I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
