my vag is so smooth its legendary
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
