dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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