I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize