Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
