I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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