I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
