I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
